In the past few weeks, I should have been on the final countdown to start the coast to coast. I should have been having my bike serviced, ensuring my kit is clean, bottles washed etc. But as you know I did myself in by falling off my bike, yet again!
Instead, I find myself battling with my thoughts. I did not think it would affect me in the way it has, but it has. I miss being on the bike and I’ve been up and down mentally over the last month. I’m only really realising this. I’m being selfish again, not thinking of how my moods are affecting those around me, and yet again it is my wife and daughter.
I withdraw into myself and then have these sudden bursts of anger. It’s not acceptable but when you are in an ‘anxiety’ mood – doubting if you are good enough, doubting if you are who you think you are – it’s all you think about. It probably won’t come as a shock to my wife when she reads it, but I should be telling her this and not using a blog to tell her how I am feeling.
I should be doing the trick I use when I get a song stuck in my head, and think about something else and not the awful song that goes around your head. Think about things that make you happy or another song that is not as annoying or even the Middlesbrough line-up for the play-off final against Chelsea in 1988… Take your mind of the thing that bugs you.
It was hard, as I followed the team I was meant to ride with, to support them up that hill! That cursed hill that I need to conquer. I will get over one day, plenty of focus will help me get up it.
I feel sometimes that I have let all those people who have sponsored me down, but I know in the back of my mind that I haven’t. I tried hard to fulfil my obligation, but I cannot get that thought to the front of my mind. I have tried, and I have done all I could do, and I have not let anyone down, even myself.
Thanks as always to Richard for sharing his story. If his experiences has inspired you to support us, visit our fundraising page for more info or if you’d like to share your story, contact us at firstname.lastname@example.org
If you’re struggling with anxiety or depression, call us for support on 0161 226 3871.